ELEVATE: Day 44

I walked into Elevate last night thinking it was going to be business as usual. I could not have been more wrong. There was a definite 'buzz' in the room, and a few people were visibly giddy when they talked about who was going to be speaking that night. It was Chris Gore, the co-director of the healing ministry at Bethel church in California. I still didn't understand what the big deal was until he introduced a man on his team and follwed it with, 'This man has been raised from the dead, and has since raised three other people from the dead.' I wasn't sure whether to laugh, clap, or just sit there and stare the former corpse sitting 3 rows behind me. I probably did all the above.

10 minutes into Chris's teaching, I had chucked my notebook and pen. There was no way to take notes and keep up with this man. In addition to his glorious New Zealand accent, Chris had the ability to make me double over with laughter and then start weeping all within 60 seconds. He was a treat to listen to and to watch. His passion was contagious. Although Chris did share amazing testimonies of people being healed, his main objective was to remind us that Jesus has commissioned all believers to experience the supernatural. Jesus wasn't tortured and nailed to a cross so we could 'do church'. And He didn't die so we could say 'Oh, I love you. Thank you for dieing for me!' He died because he loves me, not so I could love Him. I need to walk out in victory and love, not strive for those things. Chris has seen thousands of miracles, but he made it a point not to turn it into the Chris Gore show. He constantly said, 'It's not me doing any of this. I can't heal people. I hang out with someone who can: the Holy Spirit.'

As Chris neared the end of his teaching, my heart defiantly started beating faster. I knew what was going to happen. It was time for impartation. Before Chris prayed for us, he said: 'Some of you are going to feel things. You might fall down, start laughing or shaking. Some of you will not feel a thing. It doesn't matter what happens here, it's what you do with it when you leave that I care about. Some of you who fall down and roll around laughing will walk out of here and never pray for someone else, and that's a waste of my time. Some of you who feel nothing will turn around and out of faith pray for the sick and realize there's power in your hands.'

 As Chris got closer to me, I became conscious of my prayer. I didn't want to ask for shaking or laughing. I didn't want to ask to fall down. Those are just physical manifestations. While they are probably a great thing to experience, I wanted something more. I asked for a deeper revelation of His love for me. Chris approached me, prayed, and then moved on. I hadn't felt anything. I wasn't on the floor. None of my appendages were shaking uncontrollably. Disappointing? At first, yes. Then other people from Chris's team started approaching me to pray, and every single one of them prayed for me to experience more of Gods love. One lady even said, 'God wants you to know He would do it all again just for you. He would've sent His son just for you.'  I remembered the first week of Elevate, when Shoan had prayed for me and said the same words: He would do it all again just for me. She hugged me and I stayed there for what seemed like hours. I never opened me eyes, and I had no idea who this lady was. But as I laid my head on her chest and wept, it didn't matter. I had asked for a deeper revelation of His love, and He was doing it. 

While my classmates rattled and rolled around me, I rested in my Fathers arms. I laid my head on His chest and He whispered, 'You're my favorite. You're Daddy's little girl.'

The Things I Never Thought

I never (ever) thought I would be living in the 'south'. I thought Texans chewed on straw, traveled by horseback or pickup truck, and consumed copious amount of meat at every meal. I was pretty much right. Life does move a little slower, but not as painstakingly as I had anticipated.

I never thought I would live with anyone again until I had married them or given birth to them. Considering my track record (make a friend, make them an enemy),  I am surprised that after living in Waco for 11 months, I am still friends with everyone I have lived with. Once I realized that being moody and sassy were not something people typically look for in a roommate, I asked Jesus to help me change. I'm pretty sure he did, but I'll ask my roommates later just to be sure.

I never thought I would be an early riser, but this morning my alarm started annoying me at 6:20. I stumbled downstairs for coffee (again, kind of weird) and then came back to my room to start worshiping. I can remember all the times growing up when I would wake up during the night and go to our kitchen for a glass of water, only to find my mom perched on 'her side' of the couch, with a cup of coffee and her journal and bible. Looking back I realize it was probably more early morning than middle of the night, but either way I thought she belonged in a crazy house. Who gets up before lunch? Crazy people, that's who.

I never thought my life would be so full. I feel like it's overflowing, or at least to the brim. Then I talk to someone else in elevate who does all the things I do, plus has children. Listening to them talk about what they do every day makes my brain seizure. 'That will never be me',  I think to myself.

Never.

ELEVATE: Day 7

This weekend was the Elevate orientation retreat, and it was incredible.  First, though, I'd like to back up to Thursday..

The last hour of class we spent in worship, and I was having a really hard time focusing. I basically sat crossed legged on the ground with my eyes closed, waiting for 10:00 to roll around. After the last song ended, I stood up to leave. Shoan, the Elevate director, tapped me on the shoulder and told me he had a word from the Lord for me. He then asked me to sit back on the ground, exactly as I had been sitting before. When I did, he sat directly across from me, crossed legged, and scooted himself all the way up to me until our knees were touching. Now, this is only minutes after worship ended, so there are still 40 people walking around the room, gathering their things to leave. I wasn't creeped out, so much as I was a little embarrassed. He apologized for how awkward this was, but said this is what God had told him to do. Shoan said that while I was sitting on the ground during worship, he had seen a picture of the Lord sitting directly in front of me, looking right at my face. Then he said the Lord wanted to tell me I was beautiful, valuable and worthy. It didn't mean a whole lot at first until I remembered that during my quiet time that morning I had asked God to tell me what he thought of me. I hadn't heard anything, and so I told God I would keep asking him until I heard. Once I remembered this, I started crying. I continued crying for almost thirty minutes as Shoan sat across from me, telling me things the Lord was saying about me. I was beautiful, stunning. I made His heart skip a beat. He liked to be around me, to watch me. He was pursuing me, romancing me. It was pure. It wasn't dirty or tainted, the way the world loves and pursues people. I didn't need to strive, didn't need to perform or do anything special. I was worth it. He would have done it all again just for me. Over and over and over, for 30 minutes. When there was a few moments of silence, I asked 'Is it bad that I don't believe it?'  Shoan smiled and said "No, it just makes Jesus sad that you don't know how He feels about you."  Needless to say, I walked out that night a crying, snotty mess. I thought, 'What kind of man sits with a girl he has never had a conversation with, for 30 minutes, to tell her over and over how beautiful and valued she is?' He had no alternative motives. He wasn't hitting on me. He was listening to the Lord and obeying. As I fell asleep that night I said to Jesus, 'Please keep telling me until I believe You.'

Now during the orientation retreat this weekend, in addition to playing some totally weird and awesome 'get to know you' games, we spent a lot of time in worship and time with our discipleship groups. Multiple times this weekend, while getting prayed for, people said that the Lord was saying He thinks I'm beautiful. I'm worth it. He would do it again all for me. After awhile, I would just start laughing as they prayed it over me. The Lord was telling me, over and over, what He thought of me. He is so kind!

Also, since starting Elevate, two different people have approached me and said the Lord had given them Song of Songs, chapter 2, verses 10-13 for me:

My lover spoke and said to me, arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come away with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms it early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come away with me.

This makes me smile, ear to ear.

ELEVATE: Day 1

It goes like this:  I move to Waco, Texas in October. I start attending Antioch church. I meet a lot of people. I start making friends. I hear these friends talk about a dicipleship training school called Elevate. I learn that while in Elevate, you are asked not to drink alcohol, smoke tobacco products or watch rated R movies. I tell myself I will never go to this school.

Today is my first day of Elevate.  How did this happen? I don't know, but it's happening none the less.

Elevate is a dicipleship training school at Antioch that helps students deepen their walk with Jesus, equiping them to live a life abandoned to Him. This school is an experience built around knowing the person of God and his purposes for your life. Yes, I have been asked not to drink, smoke, or watch rated R movies. I will have to fast once a week. I will have A LOT of scripture to memorize. I will go out sharing the gospel, approaching strangers to share Jesus with them and pray for them. Am I excited about all of these things? Not escpecially, but this is suppose to be a year set apart. I will take the next 11 months and persue the things of God. I want to love others well. I want to understand how my Heavenly father feels about me, learn my identity in Him. There are apparently 42 other people who have a similar desire, and I will be meeting them tonight for our first day of class.

I remember driving to Waco, not knowing anything, totally terrified. I had no idea where I was going to live or if I could get a job. I had never even been to Texas. I remember crying so hard I almost had to pull over because I couldn't see enough to drive. I remember saying, out loud, "Just turn around. Go back. This is crazy." And I wanted to, I really did. But I just kept driving. Kept going. Through Missouri, then Oklahoma. Right into Texas. Now, 10 months later, I have that same thought. I know this is crazy. I know it will be hard. But I'm holding on. I'm just going to keep going.

Plus, it's only for a year. You can do anything for a year, right? Right??

When It Rains, It Pours..Right Into Your Living Room

My plan when I got home from work on Saturday was to shower, get ready for a night on the town and then head out for Jaqui's birthday hoopla. My plan was not to run around my bedroom in a towel, frantically picking up my belongings off the floor and then watch in horror as my living room became drenched in bathroom water. But, alas, life does not always go as planned.
I made it to the part in my plans where I shower. This is when one of my roomates, Emily, came into my bathroom to ask me something. Little did she know that when she leaned against my bathrrom sink..it would fall of the wall. I poked my head out of my shower to find her sitting on the floor, the sink underneath her, and water spraying out of two pipes coming from the wall. Not immediately understanding how much water was pouring out of my wall, I started laughing. 10 minutes later, standing in my towel, I was crying. And screaming. The water was gushing out of my bathroom and filling my room. As I made my way downstairs I discovered water was now pouring from the celing of the livingroom. Not dripping..pouring.
I will spare you the gory details of drywall raining from the ceiling and water running down the walls. Instead I will fast foward to Sunday morning. It's 11:30 and I am still in bed. There are jumbo fans and dehumidifiers filling my room and the livingroom below me. There is also the faint odor of..gas? No. Electrical fire? Yes. Apparently it's not ok to plug in several industrial size appliances and leave them running all night, especially when the wires in your house have been around since the world still knew Yusuf Islam as Cat Stevens. First a flooded bathroom, then a (tiny) fire in the attic. Oh, and my landlords live in Michigan.


But hey, there are other things to worry about. I just got a new purse at Dillards, and I can't decide if I need a new wallet to match. It's been bugging me all day...